


Is It Enough?

by 46captain46



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Fluff and Angst, M/M, follows ep 2x17, i wrote this at 4 am
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-29
Updated: 2017-07-29
Packaged: 2018-12-08 13:20:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,664
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11647389
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/46captain46/pseuds/46captain46
Summary: Their argument takes a toll on both of them. Alec wants to make it right. Things are a little worse for wear this time around though.





	Is It Enough?

**Author's Note:**

> The episode kind of killed me when I finally managed to see it and the next is bound to be worse but I wrote this at like, 5 in the morning sooo. Enjoy?

“Magnus!” he calls and there’s still a slimmer of hope that he didn’t destroy the best thing to have happened to him.

It, too, shutters to the ground though, as he hears angry footsteps exiting the Institute.

“Magnus.” He whispers again as he slowly sinks down, his hands coming up tangle in his hair. His eyes are wide and his breaths have started coming out short and unbalanced, as he tries to understand how is it that he always manages to tear apart everything he touches.

 _How could I be so stupid?_  

He pulls at his black hair and it hurts and he’s starting to get dizzy but it can’t even compare to the wave of mixed emotions, tangled in his heart and made more complicated in his mind, that hits him mercilessly, pushing him back to an imaginary wall so carelessly and he _can’t breathe._

His eyes turn to the door unconsciously and although he expects the emptiness that greets him, it still stings. He clenches his teeth. He closes his eyes firmly.

_Why didn’t I tell him?_

It feels like an eternity passes as he tries to control his breathing, as he tries to figure out how to stop his heart from aching.

He rises from the floor and goes to find his punching bag. Everyone is pretty much sleeping by now so there won’t be a soul to the gym to witness Alec Lightwood as he desperately tries to get rid of the cracks by making his knuckles bleed.

One.

_You’re stupid._

Two. 

_You’re worthless._

Three.

_You don’t deserve happiness. You never did._

Four.

_You’re not enough._

Five.

_You’ll never be enough._

Six.

_Liar._

_Seven._

_Liar._

Eight.

_I trusted you._

Nine.

**_I trusted you._ **

The voices continue to whisper cruel words, continue to remind him of all the times he has hurt him. They feel like the sweet caress of the leaves travelling in the wind but in reality they are sharp like blades, deadly like his arrows as they pierce the air and sink in the flesh.

He punches and punches and blood spills and it makes the punching bag kind of slippery but he doesn’t stop. He doesn’t stop.

He loses count after two hundred.

He keeps punching. He prays that he could erase the past few hours.

_Punch._

He wishes things weren’t as bad as they are.

_Punch._

He keeps hurting him.

_Punch._

He hates himself.

_Punch._

His knees give out and meet the gym’s floor with a sickening crack.

He keeps punching even though all his strength has left him. His arms slide down and he rests his forehead against the punching bag.

“Damn it.” He whispers.

_I love you._

It’s not enough.

He takes his time getting up as his legs are still wobbly and gulps down the wave of nausea that crashes his stomach.

_I’m going to fix this._

He doesn’t bother cleaning his hands before grabbing his jacket and leaving the Institute. The pain is a nice distraction.

He makes his way there without even realizing it, his feet moving on their own, having memorized by now the route.

He bangs at the door once he’s up and he’s pretty sure that he’s painting it red as his knuckles make contact with the expensive wood but he can’t find it in himself to care.

He is met with silence but he knows the warlock is there.

He brings his fist down to it again.

“Magnus I know you’re in there. Please open the door.” he calls, but again, he receives no answer.

“Magnus please.” he whispers this time, closing his eyes. He tries to swallow the lump in his throat.

He waits. And waits. Ten minutes pass but the door hasn’t opened, Magnus is nowhere to be seen. He grits his teeth and his eyes snap open. He is not going to give up, he is not leaving.

“I will stay here all night if I have to!” he shouts from outside and keeps banging the god forsaken thing.

Seeing no response, he flops down to sit on the floor quite ungracefully and crosses his arms over his chest. Not even the world ending will be able to move him from that every spot.

Half an hour passes and he’s still there, same stance, same stoic look on his face.

The door slowly opens and he’s on his feet faster than lightning. Magnus’ face doesn’t reveal anything as he motions for him to get in. He does so and the door closes after him.

“What is it Alec?” he asks and they are both a little broken and they are both too damn scared of shuttering completely.

Alec flinches slightly at the name but doesn’t say anything.

“I’m sorry.” He blurts out and it’s nothing sort of soft or pleading. It’s angry and it’s desperate and it’s – and it’s not enough.

Magnus fixes him with a glare and his jaw is clenched and when he opens his mouth Alec knows exactly what he wants to say.

That’s why he cuts him off.

“I’m sorry and I know it’s not enough but I just wanted to help.” He starts. “I was trying not to burden you farther because I know about all the nightmares and I know about all the memories attacking you every day and I _know_ how much it weights you down and how much it takes to put a smile on your face every morning you wake up.”

Magnus doesn’t say anything, doesn’t interrupt. He just stands there with an unreadable expression on his face and Alec wants to make things right. He wants Magnus to trust him again and wants him to not be afraid to show him what he feels.

He runs a hand through his hair, letting out a shaky breath.

“I know it’s not an excuse for lying to you but I didn’t want you to have another thing to worry about among the thousand others.” He swallows once more in hopes that he can breathe properly again.

“I was – I was trying to do the right thing I guess.” he lets out a laugh that is too humorless and kind of too broken to be considered one. “I know what you’re going to say. I always am, aren’t I?” his voice cracks slightly and the tears, carefully concealed until a second ago, gently roll down but he doesn’t notice. He’s too busy looking at the man in front of him, too busy trying not to lose him.

Alec smiles at his warlock and it’s like watching a diamond trying to pick up the scattered pieces in a vast ocean of darkness.

Magnus can admit to himself that he already misses his Alec smiling that crooked, beautiful smile that he loves so much.

He takes a step forward, coming closer to the young boy and he lifts a hand to wipe the tears falling from hazel eyes. They are like tiny silver droplets. Too beautiful.

Everything about Alec has always been too god damn beautiful.

His thumb softly caresses Alec’s cheek and the Shadowhunter leans to the touch that feels more like home than anything else in his life.

“I’m so sorry.” He whispers.

He nods and brings his other hand to pull Alec to him. The taller man immediately wraps his arms around him just as Magnus’ snake around his waist, holding him tightly.

“I know.” He whispers back. “I’m sorry for calling you a liar and comparing you to your family.”

Alec just shakes his head. “I deserved it.”

“No you didn’t.” he replies firmly, pulling back slightly to look at Alec’s eyes. “I was wrong to say those things. You’re not your family.” 

Alec merely nods as he buries his face in the crook of Magnus’ neck.

“Apology accepted.” He murmurs against his skin and the warlock lets out a relieved sigh.

“Apology accepted as well.”

They stay in each other’s arms for a long time, drowning in the feeling of just holding each other and being close to each other. A silence surrounds them and envelopes them, a sense of calm, serenity, washing over the couple.

It’s Alec’s whisper that breaks it. “I love you, you know.”

And Magnus closes his eyes and can feel a smile make its way into his face.

“I know. I love you too.”

His eyes flutter open a couple of seconds later as Alec withdraws a bit, only to fall shut again when he brushes their lips together. Magnus just surges forward connecting them and they both let out a sigh as their lips move together in rhythm only their hearts know.

As they break apart and Alec removes his hands from where they were cupping Magnus’ cheeks, the older man takes them in his and his eyes widen at the soft hiss that leaves Alec’s lips.

He looks down and he is met with a mess of split knuckles and dried blood. His breath hitches at the sight and he turns to meet Alec’s eyes but he won’t look at him. He has a good idea of what happened.

Slowly, he brings the calloused hands to his lips and softly kisses them, healing them in the process.

As Alec’s eyes snap back to meet his, full of wonder and love and a deep adoration, Magnus knows it’s all worth it.

They spend the rest of the night holding each other and drawing mindless patterns on each other’s skin.

“There was a moment when I thought I was going to lose you.” Alec tells him at some point.

Magnus just holds him tighter. “Me too, love. Me too.” He whispers, planting a kiss to the boy’s temple.

Neither wants to experience that helplessness ever again.

And if the morning sun finds them sound asleep with Magnus curled up in Alec’s arms with his head just above his heart, and the Shadowhunter resting his head upon the other’s, holding him tightly, well… That’s just how it’s supposed to be.

**Author's Note:**

> Liked it? Didn't like it? Kudos and comments make my day!
> 
> (malec tumblr is @like-bow-and-arrow if you're interested.)


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